Since the pandemic, I’ve been doing yoga at home. Yoga with Adriene, to be specific. I love her, and I feel like she loves me. But there is one problem with Adriene, and that is her physical perfection. She’s beautiful, slim and crazy limber. She can put her hands on the floor and her elbows are bent. She can rest her face on her knees, something I didn’t know humans could do. When I do Yoga with Adriene, I try not to look at her, which does cause problems.
The “rock star pose” for example. Clearly Adriene and I are picturing different rock stars. She’s picturing David Lee Roth, circa 1982, thrusting his groin into the air whilst looking possessed by the devil. I’m picturing David Bowie in a suit, looking very dapper and hot, gently cradling the mic. One of us is getting a better workout, and it’s not me.
So I decided to narrate my own yoga class for one. I put on the dreamy yoga music that incorporates waves sloshing in the background and sit on the floor in my pajamas. I picture myself leading a class. “Draw circles with your nose. That crackling noise in your neck is your body thanking you. Can’t move left shoulder because of that fall you had six years ago? Who gives a flying bleep? You’re here.”
We then move to Downward Facing Dog, which I can’t do correctly since breaking my wrist. “Don’t worry if you broke your wrist and can’t do this right,” I say to my nonexistent students. “So what? Ignore every pain in the ass who’s doing it right.”
The narration continues. “Can’t bend as far as other people? Big bleep. You’re here. Those limber bodies haven’t gone through what you have. You had cancer. You have arthritis. You had children. Your body has endured, god bleep it!”
Onto the warrior poses… “You are such a bleeping badass! Look at you! I’d trust you with my life! Forget those Lululemon waifs! I’d pick you in battle, that’s for damn sure. Now get on that bleeping floor. The floor is your friend. Can’t fall if you’re on the floor. I don’t care how you get there, and take your damn time. No one knows your body like you do, goddess.
“And now, corpse pose. We’re practicing for the future, my loves, because guess what? Even those sanctimonious vegans are gonna die someday. Take a few deep breaths and feel good about yourselves. Thank your imperfect, lumpy, aging, wonderful body because it’s still here, god bleep it. You rock. You are awesome. Hot damn, look at you! You did a yoga class, bleep yeah! Now go home and pour yourself a glass of wine and enjoy life. You deserve it. You deserve all the love, goddess.”
Admit it. You want me to be your teacher. ; )