The delights of Nordstrom’s

I recently spent some time in a section in Nordstrom’s that really, really fascinates me. It’s in the lingerie section. It’s a special rack of stuff that makes all sorts of miracle promises and boy, do I like miracle promises!

So natural and comfy-looking!

So natural and comfy-looking!

Granted, I’m no stranger to the regular stuff—control top panty hose, bras. A few years ago, I tried on Spanx and was sold. I don’t look slimmer, mind you, just neater—like a sausage. You break open the sausage casing and all the meat spills out. Spanx is like that with the human body.

But then there are those…other…things. Things I never knew existed. Things that promise to sculpt and lift and pad. Things called petals that are made from silicone. “When would you use these?” I asked the twenty-something salesperson.

“Maybe at your wedding?” she suggested.

“I’m already married. Twenty-two years!”

A dead-eyed stare was my answer.

Then I discovered something called Commando Low Beams. (?) Push-up bras that have no back? What the even…!?! I think the person who invented that deserves the Nobel Prize in Physics. If they work, that is. Which is dubious.

“What are these for?” I ask the clerk, holding up what look like raw pieces of chicken.

“Those aren’t for you,” she said, a mother chiding her toddler.

jennifer“Will these make my legs glow like Jennifer Anniston’s?” I asked, fondling some nylons called Pretty Polly Sun Oil Sheen.

“No.”

I was getting the impression that a 40-something year old romance writer who was opening every package and exclaiming over the strangeness within was not their target demographic.

Read IN YOUR DREAMS when it comes out on September 30th. Think of me, dear readers. You’ll know which scene I’m talking about.

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