According to the Kristan calendar…


Hard pass

Ugh. March. Who invented March? Why? Mud, snow, dirty snow, gray skies, more mud, more gritty, dirty snow, raw winds, that hint of spring only to be covered in snow…I could really do without March.

I know I’m a hardy Yankee and am supposed to be above these things, but I have a better idea. Changing the calendar and seasons. How hard could it be?


Who doesn’t want more of this?

First, the new year would be September 1, because that’s the new school year, and it’s been embedded in our brains that the year starts after summer (which it should). Not only that, but Fall would also begin September first so the kiddies could all wear their sweaters and corduroys right away. The leaves would start to change mid-September, and stay in glorious color on the trees till mid-November.

winter night

Damn cozy.

We could endure the chilly, gray, early dark for a few weeks, and then it would be winter on December first. Snow would be the only acceptable form of precipitation. On December 15, Christmas and holiday decorations and songs would be allowed. None of this “get the tree the day after Thanksgiving,” oh, no. We do not rush the holidays on my watch.


Everyone okay with moving Christmas?

Christmas would change dates. Oh, hush! We all know Jesus was born in August, right? The early Christians changed his birthday to align with some pagan traditions. You didn’t know that? Well, there you go! And thank you to the Jesuits who educated me! But back to the Kristan Calendar…it would now be celebrated on January 14, because that date sounds nice to me. It stretches the gap between Thanksgiving and Christmas and gives us more baking time. Also, January is a barren wasteland right now (except for the Princess’s birthday, of course). January needs this.

cherry blossoms

Could a person EVER get sick of this?

The snowy season would last from early November till mid-February, whence cometh the spring. No more mud season, gang. Imagine it. March 1 would be the start of spring, and the crocuses would start pushing through the soil almost immediately. March, April, May, and half of June would feature blossoming trees and flowers. Fruit trees would be required to hang onto their blossoms a few weeks extra so we could all enjoy them more.

Then, on June 15, summertime. Temperatures would not be allowed to surpass 90 except for a few days to make us appreciate the 70s and 80s. There would only be 5 really unpleasantly muggy nights—again, just to up the gratitude factor. Otherwise, it would be comfortably dry with passing rain showers to avoid drought and a few big booming thunderstorms for excitement.


Ah, summer, you gorgeous thing, you.

On August 20, we’d celebrate the end of summer, which would replace the tacky New Year’s Eve holiday we currently endure. It would bittersweet, the knowledge that summer was coming to an end, a new year was dawning. There would be cookouts for every neighborhood, and fireworks for every city. Only after End of Summer would the stores be allowed to push back-to-school items. We don’t want to taint our glorious summers, after all.

Ah, yes. I like my calendar much better, don’t you? More foliage, more flowers, less mud.

I’m gonna get right on that. You’re welcome.

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